Diabetes: It scares the ever lovin’ crap outta me

 OK, here it goes. I’ve always (I mean ALWAYS) tried to have a positive outlook on my diabetes…and not make it seem to anyone around me that I battle with my emotions on it, every single day of my life.I was the “poster child” for Type 1 Diabetes….as you can see. I had to be an example to everyone else….See? I can do it- So can you! I talked the talk and walked the walk…still do. I can tell you upside down and backwards anything about Type 1 (Type 2 for that matter as well) and insulin pumps, pods, where it goes, how it does it and what I do about it everyday. I put on a VERY good face when people make ignorant comments about my diabetes.

My family has always been about EDUCATION, EDUCATION, EDUCATION. People only make those comments because they don’t know better. (At least in my mind that’s why..) I mean, we (the Type 1 Diabetes community as a whole) have to deal with the typical jokes about “diabeetus” –>
 

There has always been role models that I have looked up to about my diabetes:

 I mean, how appropriate that Anne Rice writes about Vampires and blood? :)
 
 
And I would hope you know, if you know me for any length of time that Bret Michaels is not only a Rock God to me, but a person that I can truly identify with and understand that ups and downs of Type 1 diabetes.But recently, I haven’t had such a great attitude about my diabetes, to be perfectly honestly. I hate this disease. I absolutely !@#$%^&*( hate it. I hate having to think about it, deal with it and know that no matter what I do that sh!t can still happen to me. I know, I’m one of blah blah million people that have it, I’m not the only one. But once in awhile I just need a release. Do you know what irritates me the most?? People (to remain nameless…) who say I want to help you, I wish I could do it for you. Thank you I appreciate your understanding, but I know that they can’t do anything. They can’t take it away, they can’t prick their finger for me, they can’t take an insulin shot for me and they can’t know the guilt that I carry every single day with this dang disease.

I was told that the cure was “right around the corner” in 1988….great. Goody. Now 23 years later it’s still not here. I have hope…I really do. But today, I’m just not feeling it. I’m scared of the low blood sugars. I’m scared of not being in control of my body. I’m scared that no matter what I do to be in control, that it’s still not enough.

My career is my life…my education is everything I’ve ever wanted. I’m in the job and the field that I am absolutely in love with….Emergencies make my world go round. But the worst thing that I could imagine has happened. I want more then anything to be able to go help in a disaster (mostly help the animals…but people possibly too!) But anyway, to be able to be on OK-DMAT 1 you cannot have Type 1 Diabetes. No matter that I am completely self efficient, no matter what I do, I cannot be deployed. I feel defeated. I feel like someone pulled the rug out from under me. I feel like everyone in the Emergency Management world is pointing and laughing at me and saying….”HAHA! You just thought you wanted to make a difference”

I am just trying to deal with these thoughts one day at a time. I’m trying to be the best damn person with diabetes that you have ever met. But just today, let me HATE it.

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